Frequently asked questions about love and relationships:

1. How will we know if we are sexually compatible?
2. How far is too far?
3. Is oral sex considered sex?
4. Am I still a virgin if I have experienced sex play?
5. I am feeling pressured to have sex. What do I do?
6. Condoms are 98% effective, right?
7. Is marriage just a piece of paper?
8. Isn’t living together first a good way to see if a marriage will work?
9. I know we are really in love. Why wouldn’t that be enough to keep us together?
10. Why would I want to get married when most marriages fall apart?
11. Why do I seem to keep making the same mistakes over and over?

1. How will we know if we are sexually compatible?

Sexual compatibility can mean different things to different people, so let’s see if we can sort this out. In terms of body parts, men and woman are designed to fit together. So, incompatibility of this type rarely happens. If, however, you find yourself in that situation, your doctor would be the person to get advice and help from.

Many times “sexual incompatibility” is just a line that someone will use to try and get sex.  “You know I really care about you, but I think we need to find out if were compatible.” Obviously, I can’t tell you what anyone’s motives are, but it is definitely something worth keeping in mind.

In relationships, if all the pieces have been put in the proper order and the couple feels a deep love and commitment to one another, then incompatibility, whether perceived or real, will be worked out over time. Love, commitment, and the deep friendship will seek to resolve relationship issues of any kind.

2. How far is too far?

This is a difficult question to answer because it will depend on the person. In order to decide how far is too far for you, consider the following:

• What are your short term and long term goals? How do relationships fit into those goals?
• How much drama do you want to deal with? What about disease, pregnancy, depression, reputation?
• Have you thought about or already set your sexual boundary?
• Have you talked with your bf/gf about boundaries?
• Have you talked with your bf/gf about any deep relationship issue?
• Compared to your very best friend how long have you known them?
• What would your parents and siblings want you to do?

Once you have answered some of these questions, you hopefully will have a better understanding of how far you should go.

3. Is oral sex considered sex?

Yes, oral sex is sex because it involves genitalia and the sexual system.

4. Am I still a virgin if I have experienced sex play?

Commonly, virginity is defined as someone who has not had sexual intercourse. But because sexual expression has so many different behaviors besides intercourse, this could be confusing. One thing to understand is that sex is always relational. You can’t express yourself sexually and not have it impact other areas of your life. Our bodies are not disconnected from our emotions and intellect.

In addition, your personal values and beliefs will also affect your views on sex and virginity. Some people don’t feel they are virgins if they made out with someone. Others think you can do anything besides vaginal intercourse and still be a virgin. You will have to decide for yourself if virginity is about intercourse or the context of sexuality in the whole relationship.

5. I am feeling pressured to have sex. What do I do?

Pressure is something we take seriously because according to studies, it is the number one reason teens have sex. Rule number one – it is never, ever OK to pressure someone about sex. Pressuring, intimidating, or manipulating with the fear of a break-up send a relationship message of disrespect. So if the person you are dating right now is putting pressure on you, then know without a doubt, they don’t respect your thoughts or your feelings on the subject. If they truly were concerned about you, they would be protective.

Now that you know where they stand, you need to communicate to them your self-respect. What you say will depend on how deep the friendship is. For example, if you have known them for a long time you might say:
“You know I really care about you and want to be with you, but pressuring me about sex every time we see each other has got to stop. Why don’t we hang out with our friends more so it’s not just the two of us alone?”
If you don’t know them very well you should just state your opinion -- “You know, if you want to stay together you need to stop pressuring me for sex. If not, see ya.”

Rule number two – your wants and needs matter as much as theirs. You know what you want to do with your life and your relationships, so don’t let someone who is self-absorbed and immature interfere with that. Stand up!

6. Condoms are 98% effective, right?

We hear this a lot, but we are not really sure where it comes from. The studies say there is about a 10-20% chance of pregnancy in the first year with condoms. For infections, the rates vary from not much protection (HPV and Herpes) to much better protection (80-85% for HIV). We have never been able to find anything that verifies 98% effectiveness.

7. Is marriage just a piece of paper?

This philosophy has been around a long time, but data doesn’t seem to support it. According to CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) “marriage is associated with a variety of positive outcomes, and dissolution of marriage is associated with negative outcomes—for men, women, and their children. Compared with unmarried people, married men and women tend to have lower mortality, less risky behavior, more monitoring of health, more compliance with medical regimens, higher sexual frequency, more satisfaction with their sexual lives, more savings, and higher wages.”

Other studies not listed by the CDC also support that marriage tends to be a healthier relationship. Keep in mind that just because someone wants to get married or does get married, doesn’t mean they will have success. Marriage is supposed to be forever and long term relationships need two people that are committed to learning good relationship and communication skills.

8. Isn’t living together first a good way to see if a marriage will work?

Not necessarily. A good thing to remember is that there is no perfect person out there and there is no perfect marriage. Every relationship requires work and diligence to be successful. But when we talk about preparing for marriage then it really is going to depend on the underlying attitude of the couple.

Today, most people decide to live together because they are tired of dating and they have intense feelings for the person they are with. It seems like a good idea. It is convenient and less work than dating, but by the five year mark, almost half of cohabiting couples have broken up. So understand there is a question about stability.

We also know, through various studies, that the more live in (or sexual) partners a person has, the greater chance of divorce when they do marry. However, one study found that if the couple intended to marry and simply moved in together before the wedding, this didn’t seem to affect the stability of the marriage, especially if it was the first and only relationship. Generally speaking, the data doesn’t support living together before marriage as a good way to see if a marriage will work.

9. I know we are really in love. Why wouldn’t that be enough to keep us together?

Love is a very important factor in the long term success of a relationship, but there needs to be other things as well. For instance, as you go through life as a couple, you will encounter a variety of different situations – some good, some bad. True, we can’t anticipate everything that might happen, but we can do some planning for the more obvious things such as:

• Job skills and career path
• Finances – where does the money go and how do you decide
• Parenting plan – who does what and when
• Parenting skills- do you parent the same way so there is consistency and less chaos
• Communication skills- are you learning better and more effective ways
• Extended family – how involved and how do you decide

These are just a few things that a couple will deal with on a daily basis. Love will bond you and cause you to be protective of each other, but you still need basic life skills to make it through.

10. Why would I want to get married when most marriages fall apart?

This is a very good question, but one that is difficult to answer. There are many people in the U.S. today that have experience with divorce. Maybe you or your best friend’s parents divorced, or maybe it was an uncle, grandparent, or neighbor. In any case, divorce is very painful for people and fractured families bring big problems to societies. It is a serious issue no matter how you look at it. However, in our culture there is another piece of the puzzle we need to address. And that is - communicating messages about marriage that aren’t really supported by actual research data.

Today, our mainstream media paints marriage as an obsolete, old-fashioned idea that only weird, religious people care about. In actuality, most junior and senior high school students want to get married someday and, according to the CDC, by age 30, 75% of women are married. So the cultural messages we get from movies, radio, magazines, etc, about marriage don’t really reflect reality. People want to and are getting married.

Additionally, we are told that the divorce rate is 50%, and since we have all experienced divorce in some way, it seems true. But the 50% is really the rate when you combine all marriage stats. In other words, first, second, third marriages and so on. This skews the statistic because subsequent marriages have a much higher divorce rate than first marriages. At five years, the divorce rate for first marriages is 20%. Yes, 20%! At 10 or more years, the divorce rate is 33%! Both of these are a whole lot better than 50% and much more hopeful.

We also know from actual studies that people who marry tend to be healthier physically and financially, have more sex and are more fulfilled by their sex lives, and have a more stable environment for children.

Marriage is a good thing for people and for society. But let’s not be silly and think that all you do is get married and then live happily ever after. Any healthy relationship requires knowledge, skills, and hard work in order to be fun and successful. As we know, not everyone runs their relationships that way.

11. Why do I seem to keep making the same mistakes over and over?

Many times we get involved in a relationship because we “feel” like it, not necessarily because we know what we are doing. One of the problems with that is that we can set up habits or patterns for relating to others. So then in the next relationship we do the same things we did in the first, regardless of whether it was successful or not. Then we start to hear people say things like, “I always seem to pick jerks.”

One of the best ways to avoid making the same mistakes over and over is the take some time, step back, and evaluate relational dynamics:

• What are your emotional needs?
• Are you expecting one person to meet them all?
• How well do you know that person compared to your very best friend?
• Did you become sexual before trust, commitment, love and deep friendship were present?
• How long does that take?
• What about your families?
• What about marriage?
• How are your communication skills?
• How about conflict resolution skills?
• Do you know your love language?

These are just a few of the things you need to know before you step into a relationship. So you have to ask yourself – am I willing to do the hard work and learn what healthy relationships need or not? If not, then you probably will experience the same mistakes over and over.